CGOT > Writings > Quotes from the mouths of Teachers and Professors

Quotes from the mouths of Teachers and Professors (As of Nov 8, 2007)

Inspiring the next generation

"Scientists are people who take something beautiful and turn it into a squiggly line." - Professor Colwell
"What?" "Is that the only word you know?" "Huh?" "One more!" Tara Semerar / Mr. McCracken / Tara Semerar / Mr. McCracken
"So what would be above spoiled rotten?" "Spoiled-rotten-slightly-decomposed?" " ... Yes if you were cheese and your grandma were a cow" Mrs. Janoff / Andrew Fooden / Mrs Janoff
"It turns out, that right across the way... there's a continent." Itzkowitz
"It's a wonderful book, which is why it's called Garrett Mattingly's Wonderful Book 'The Armada'." Itzkowitz
"And it's very interesting when you do that, but that's not going to be our approach." Flath
"On the website, you will see boring stuff." Flath
"They don't think like mathematicians, therefore they probably don't even think logically, right." Flath
"It's perfectly legitimate to do it in the cases where it's okay." Flath
"It's like anything in physics- it's quite simple once you understand it!" Heyman
"People get declared bastard and then unbastardized with surprising regularity." Itzkowitz
"Remarriage is a common thing in an age where people die." Itzkowitz
"We should never underestimate the idea of historians to show off... They don't pay us very much." Itzkowitz
"The good news is that it's a big heavy instrument and the X-Rays aren't going to get out and damage you- as far as I can tell, anyways." Heyman
"They're like twin brothers except this is the evil twin." Heyman [on positrons]
"It's like a roach motel for light." Heyman [on black bodies]
"Another way to read the second law of thermodynamics is "No perpetual motion machines."" Heyman
"Actually I'm paraphrasing, he didn't say that." Heyman
"Now that's obviously an approximation." Heyman
"Well this is incredibly annoying." Heyman
"No one has ever accused Henry- Henry's government- of being subtle." Itzkowitz
"And it's a very important theory because it's so simple, and, as you'll see later, it's completely wrong." Heyman
"...and I thought to myself, 'I need a break from reading these papers, I think I'll skim the Chronicle of Higher Education, because that's always good for a laugh.'" Itzkowitz
"I actually graded some papers pretty harshly just so you would come by and I could feel the love." Itzkowitz
"They are kinky but not quite that kinky." Itzkowitz
"When he had attacked one of their ports, they had treacherously fought back." Itzkowitz
"He wants to win in the Netherlands- and what stands in his way? ...Well- the Dutch, for one thing." Itzkowitz
"It actually has a meaning when you do that- it means "I want to eat your head"" Itzkowitz
"Um, Professor? How is that a force?" "Well because it's on this side of the equation." Halle/Flath
"It is a very important phenomenon that can be very important." Flath."I'm not sure that activity can be more active, but I'm not Garrett Mattingly." Itzkowitz
"He turns his back on Elizabeth, which is not what was done, and she punches him in the ear, which is what was done.” Itzkowitz.
“Well you have a dead cat and it doesn't look like another dead cat, so you say, “Well, let's boil it.”” Itzkowitz
“Who she always referred to as her frog, maybe because he was french, and maybe because he looked like Truman Capote.” Itzkowitz [on Allençon]
“Because all that dream interpretation stuff is... y'know, ...nonsense.” Itzkowitz
“Where would we be if we gave up at every difficulty? We'd be on to the next subject, is where we'd be.” Heyman
“Let's say it's not you dropping it, it's Michael Jordan. Or an omnipotent god.” Heyman
“Yeah, let's all get yp and dance to the rape saga!” Grace
“What? What? This is Macalester College! This is a serious class on the 16th and 17th century- there will be no laughing here!” Itzkowitz
“Is this a cautionary tale against sexual kinkiness?” Itzkowitz
“Elizabethans are not Victorians, for one thing.” Itzkowitz
“My theory is that every class should have at least one horse's hoof moment.” Itzkowitz
“These people were kneeling to the Queen's tablecloth.” Itzkowitz
“Once you get people together, they want to gossip and tell people what to do- kind of like a faculty meeting, and with about as much power.” Itzkowitz
“Cela interessait beaucoup M. Freud” Vitiello
“Holy shit!” “Technical term- that we'll explore in our discussion of religion.” Josh/Itzkowitz
“I'm about to ask a question, and I shudder to ask it, beause I stole it- well, I stole it from Socrates.” Itzkowitz
“I find all those platonic dialogues to be a pain in the ass. It's like watching a Harlem Globetrotter's game in a lot of ways.” Itzkowitz
“It was working fine until yesterday...when I, well I broke it.” Heyman.
“The closer it is to the top, the further it penetrates into the forbidden region.” Heyman
“Although it may not feel like it, the world is actually filled with little masses on little springs.” Heyman
“You know, historians... we can't all be Garrett Mattingly.” Itzkowitz
“They were going on a literary pilgrimage to Thomas Hardy's house.” Itzkowitz
“The festivities that pop up in a festive culture– God, it's the end of the week.” Itzkowitz
“It's no accident that Paris Hilton is named after someplace french” Itzkowitz
“I mean, Paris Hilton, Richard III, they're practically the same person.” “Pretty much.” Grace/Itzkowitz
“It's times like these when I sympathize with poor Robin Williams- who's clearly crazy...and loses track of himself sometimes.” Itzkowitz
“It's your basic 400 bedroom house.” Itzkowitz
“Back in the seventies, people did this- and then they found that there was a problem with houses burning down.” Heyman [on insulating wires with AlO2]
“I feel like if I give you something, I can insult you by making it clear how much a bunch of doofuses I think you all are.” Itzkowitz
“As Donald Rumsfeld once said, you have to go to war with the army you have, not the army you wish you had, so I have to teach the students I have, not the ones I wish I had.” Itzkowitz
“The Duke of Buckingham was really incompetant- he blew everything he could get his hands on.” Itzkowitz [loose quote of someone else]
“Anyone who makes James Lipton look like more of an idiot than he makes himself look is worthy of sainthood.” Itzkowitz
“As long as the speakerly bottom is in the chair, Parliament is still in session, and when the speakerly bottom is no longer in the chair, the Parliament is adjourned.” Itzkowitz
“Problem 37 was kind of insane.” Heyman
“And it's roots are always magical!” Flath
“Sober physicists don't find giraffes hiding in jungles.” Heyman [mnemonic device for orbitals]
“Now you can argue with your friends on what the real radius of Hydrogen is.” Heyman
“So much for the greatest political document in the English language.” Itzkowitz [on Leviathan]
“Dante, of course, has a problem. Well, I mean, he's Italian.” Itzkowitz
“It's sorta a semi-comic work of theology.” Itzkowitz
“We'll be done in a second, guys.” Heyman
“His [Prince Charles] heart's in the right place. As opposed, of course, to the Spencer family, whose hearts might be in the right place if they had any.” Itzkowitz
“Ryan Becker knows everything.” Flath
“These funny little particles called neutrinos.” Heyman
“There's Fermi. Who apparently was a real bastard, but really smart.” Heyman
“The Country Wife is your basic sex comedy.” Itzkowitz
“Anyone who trusts kings deserves to be screwed by them.” Itzkowitz
“Charles is going to find another way to raise money, and that's being bribed by a foreign power.” Itzkowitz
“Clarendon's reputation was already bad due to some things that were probably beyond his power. One of these was the Great Plague of 1665.” Itzkowitz
“It may be that one of the things that stopped the Plague was the Fire.” Itzkowitz
“In fact, Dutch ships actually sail into the Thames estuary- which is a sign that the war is not going well.” Itzkowitz
“Is this a proto-feminist play?” Itzkowitz [on the Country Wife]
“Well it's his loss but our great example.” Heyman [on ex-KGB agent poisoned with Polonium 210]
“Suppose you want to make some- how do you do that?” Heyman [on Polonium 210]
“So what can we do with that?” Heyman [on Uranium fission and putting up a diagram of an atomic bomb on the screen]
“The Russians used graphite as a moderator material, which is good, except that graphite is flammable.” Heyman
“In Soviet Russia, they didn't have the containment unit because they didn't feel that was necessary.” Heyman
“Actually, we've been approached by the Department of Homeland Security and told to record all the History majors- they say it may be one of those things that raises your security profile” Itzkowitz
“Prince Philip generally looks uncomfortable unless he's saying something outrageous.” Itzkowitz
“It's like Star Wars- I was there on opening night- I was! Except no one knew it was Star Wars then.” Itzkowitz
“I gotta admit I don't follow the royal gossip as much as I should.” Itzkowitz
“No one takes Monaco seriously.” Itzkowitz
“For all we know they could be popping up all over the place” Itzkowitz [on Monaco's heirs]
“The Queen of Norwar has to hitchike from her palace” Itzkowitz
“So seven plus seven is fourteen, is that what you're saying?” Heyman
“Let's take a vote! Right now, for the death of Todd Baker.” Itzkowitz
“I mean, we all know what Catholics look like- I mean, you take their shoes off, they have cloven hoofs...tails, the like.” Itzkowitz|
“C'est un petit peu comme le “jive” si vous voulez.” Vitiello
“This particle detector- it's really cool, right.” Heyman
“These particles have a strangeness of 1.” Heyman
“And then they found that in some experiments, the strangeness was conserved.” Heyman
“I've never taught this before, but it seems like we have some time in class, so here we go.” Flath
“This is not in the book, particularly.” Flath
“Then I realized that belabouring the obvious is what I do for a living.” Itzkowitz
“If you kind of sneeze at a thouroughbred's leg, it breaks.” Itzkowitz
“And then Einstein was like a rock star.” Heyman
“But now he's holding a laser, so he can fight back.” Heyman
“You don't have as many small children as I do.” Heyman
“Any mythology that says that English food is better than French food is a mythology that we might not want to take too seriously.” Itzkowitz
“The picture of Louis the 14th riding unsteadily on the globe while a Dutch soldier who is applying an enema to his posterior is probably the highlight of the cartoon.” Itzkowitz
“There's another wonderful cartoon which is a map of England and France, and the map of England is in the shape of George the 3rd, ..who's shitting on France.” Itzkowitz
“In fact, just ignore what I just said.” Heyman
“Anne foils this plot by dying more quickly than they expected her to die.” Itzkowitz
“George the First coming to power is nothing like Hitler coming to power even though they were both German.” Itzkowitz
If I had only pressed the button sooner, I could have saved 10 seconds - Ayman Abdallah
Scienfitic - Dr. Robert C. Ford
I never did smoke a turkey - Dr. Robert C. Ford
The red is not a multiple of the green! - Dr. Z. Nashed
I'm so humble because I have a lot to be humble about - Dr. Robert C. Ford
I appreciate arrogance - Dr. Robert C. Ford
I used to count cows but I got tired of it, so I counted their legs and divided by four - Dr. Robert C. Ford
If you had a feminist teacher, you’d be skewered to the wall! - Dr. Schliefer
As a feminist, I object to those shirts, it should say Peer Personter. - Dr. Schliefer
Even brutal emperors like Fiddycent...If you’re not in his posse, he shoots you! - Dr. Schleifer
(On Queen Elizabeth I) ”I’m appointed by God, for crying out loud!” - Mrs. Janoff
Am I going to have to assert myself? - Mrs. Janoff
I am basking in the glow of your approval. - Mrs. Janoff
How many of you go to Barnes and Nobles because it’s a social activity in Sarasota? - Mrs. Janoff
I don’t want to run the world, I just want to be the one who decides who has children - Mrs. Janoff
Raise your hand if you’re a human being. - Mrs. Janoff
A Modest Proposal’s funny! Let’s eat kids! - Mrs. Janoff
I made up grades” - Mrs. Janoff
Many-sided octagon - Dr. Schleifer
"May I use the bathroom?" - Bryan Lin "Sure, just don't use it all up" - Dr. Schleifer
I'm so obnoxious. I look in the mirror and laugh at me - Mr. Phil Kroll
The Necessary Room - Mrs. Goacher
I'm not killing you. We're having fun! - Dr. Malinsky
It wasn't really a high five. It was more of a low two - Mr. A.Q. Smith
Dung Beetle. AKA: Tumbleturd - Mr. A.Q. Smith
Caterpillar into a flutterby - Mr. A.Q. Smith
If you got shot at the mall, that's whole sale. - Mr. Phil Kroll
Well... There I am... Swag-bellied old fart... - Mr. A.Q. Smith, referring to pictures of himself
Jason, you'd bitch if you were hung with a new rope! - Mr. A.Q. Smith
I thought pillage had something to do with medication - Mr. A.Q. Smith
I thought conceptual redundancy was having twins - Mr. A.Q. Smith
Dangerous Aminals - Mr. A.Q. Smith
Are you in the phone book? No I live in a house - Mr. Kroll
Hello is [name] there? Nope he's dead - Mr. Kroll
As the prince looked down at sleeping beauty and... um, I can't read that - Mrs. Janoff
Remember that where refers to TIME - Mrs. Janoff
I don't know which is worse: My jokes or the fact that you get them - Mr. Percival
Social grease makes the world go round, but be careful not to slip on it - Mrs. Janoff
Let's laugh at what we don't understand!! That's a GREAT idea! - Mrs. Janoff
Thanks for all this conversation. It makes me feel really old - Mrs. Janoff
Fathership - Mrs. Janoff
It's not about cooking, it's knowing where to order out - Mrs. Janoff
You know what sin x is? It's that nasal spray - Mrs. Kroll
Now to get back to my threesome! - Mrs. Robins
If he bites you, bite him back - Mr. McCracken, referring to a roach
Actually, it was only 2/3 of a pun. PU - Mr. Percival
“Why do you marry someone?” Mrs. Janoff “ So they're obligated to stay with you?“ Michael Riccio
“Do we have any intelligent questions?” Mr. McCracken “Do you have any books?” Tara Semerar
You can kill people with oysters - Mrs. Janoff
“This class kills me” Lindsey Roan “Don't tempt me” Mr. Percival
“Alejandro balanced all those altos!” Mrs. Robins
NaC 2H3O2- Sodium Acetate, aka NACHO - Dr. Malinsky's AP Chem class
Different difference - Mrs. Janoff
Women are gatherers. When they go to the mall looking for shoes, they're looking for shoes, but they're looking at other things along the way. When a man goes to the mall for shoes, he's hunting a shoe. - Mrs. Janoff
No, that's fuzzy wuzzy. ...But hang in there! - Mrs. Janoff
“Life is a cow.” Mme Karr
“Work paper and plastic at Publix” Mme Karr
“Some people think that America is like a melting pot, but I think it’s more like a big salad.” Mr. Largo
“The Ah experience” Mme Karr
“Are you with me?” Mrs. Kroll
“Take Astronomy!” Mr. Percival
“Florida is just a big strip full of gas stations and McDonalds” Mme Karr
“Are you listening to me? I’m being fascinating.” Mrs. Janoff
“Honkerburger” “Ponder” “Baable” Mme Karr
“I love foreign languages. I just can’t speak them.” Mrs. Kroll
(singing) ”The water goes out but the clothes stay in” Mr. Percival
“I could sell myself to adults” Mme Karr
“You’re thinking about what you were thinking about when you were reading.” Mrs. Janoff
“Equal opportunity insulter” Mrs. Janoff
“A puritan is someone who’s afraid that somewhere somehow, someone is having fun” Mrs. Janoff (loose quote of HL Menken)
“You all look like death warmed over!” Mrs. Robins
“I have to measure your neck” Mrs. Robins
“Elle fait de la trottoir.” Mme Karr
“This is a test for smart people” Mrs. Janoff
“I don’t want any abstract crap.” Mrs. Janoff
“Let’s talk about the attractive forces between two people” Mr. Percival
“Is this a threat? Absolutely!” Mrs. Janoff
“We’ve already rolled wheels down a hill, how much more exciting can you get?” Mrs. Davidsmeyer (physics sub)
“If you could get an ocean big enough, Saturn would float!” Mr. Percival
“I took 2 points off kind of whenever I feel like it.” Mrs. Janoff
“First quarter is to scare the hell out of you.” Mrs. Janoff
“God didn’t create Daylight Savings Time.” Mr. Percival
“I hate children.” Mme Karr
“Tiesi, say something funny.” Mrs. Janoff
“Something you can wang around a lot.” Paul G. Hewitt
“Colin, I don’t pay you for nothing.” Mme Karr
“You did not attain the goal of sleeping.” Mme Karr
“What mean a blue moon, honey?” Paul G. Hewitt
“There’s sort of like an unpulling going on.” Paul G. Hewitt
“Do you lie on your terminal side?” Mr. Kroll
“If you want a surprise, you’d better listen.” Mme Karr
“Symbolic hammer.... BOOM!” Mrs. Janoff
“Teachers please excuse this interruption, the power has failed.” Intercom
“[Enron] used really innovative accounting techniques.” Mrs. Janoff
“You get a 5 if you have no intelligence.” Mrs. Janoff
“The Dreadful Dead” Mme Karr
“...and you do all these things but he’s still going to DIE.” Mrs. Robins
“People usually rule by unmitigated self interest.” Mrs. Janoff
“They got their butt chewed yesterday.” Mme Karr
“In Quebec they are so redneck...” Mme Karr
“Ils chantaient comme des casseroles” Listening Test Francais IV
“I had a uterine biopsy yesterday.” Mrs. Kroll
“Confrontation is commitment” Mrs. Janoff
“cognitive dissonance” Mrs. Janoff
“The more you learn this year, the less you learn next year.” Mme Karr
“Life’s a bitch.” Mrs. Janoff
“You didn’t push it out the rhetoric tip.” Mrs. Janoff
“Let’s play rhetoric!” Mrs. Janoff
“I’d like to spend ten minutes alone with him with a big knife.” Mme Karr
“French is weird.” Mme Karr
“You need to see that you are interacting with your vomit.” Mrs. Janoff
“Hi, remember me?” Mrs. Janoff
“It was a wonderful class, but it was absolutely terrible!” Mr. Percival
“I’m up here. It’s not fun!” Mrs. Robins
“O my gifted bunnies” Mrs. Janoff
“Her family isn’t lacking of anything.” Mme Karr
“J’ai attrapé un petit de sixième année. J’adore les attraper!” Mme Karr
“Oh my God, I am in really deep sneakers!” Mrs. Janoff
“It’s comforting to be normal.” Mrs. Janoff
“Never mess with someone who owns language.” Mrs. Janoff
“Make up a better lie.” Mrs. Janoff
“Most of what we teach in this class is a lie.” Mr. Percival
“social greases” Mrs. Janoff
“You guys really need to paginate.” Mrs. Janoff
“Lepercorn” ”Drawf” “Dwaf” Mme Karr
“Let’s be serious now.” Mme Karr
“I’m the only one who teaches this class. I can do whatever I want.” Dr. Rice
“I find Cobalt an excruciating social exercise” Mrs. Janoff
“WOAH- Can of worms!” Mrs. Janoff
“I hate this plate.” Mrs. Janoff
“Mrs. Micklautsch, she tries very hard [to speak French].” Mme Karr
“Life is a pressure cooker.” Dr. Rice
“Then I am a moron!” Mrs. Janoff
“Think of everything you know...as dried oatmeal.” Mrs. Janoff
“What the hell’s Protestant Pie?” Mrs. Janoff
“I like to melt.” Mrs. Janoff
“Make it happy colors.” Mrs. Janoff
“That’s kind of like a Fischer-Price moment.” Mrs. Janoff
“I can’t even button my shirt anymore” Mme Karr
“Strange things happen in my head.” Mrs. Kroll
“J’ai entré le chien. J’ai sorti le chien.” Mme Karr
“I won’t kill you because I want you to enjoy your summer.” Mme Karr
“Oh my God, you are the gifted and the chosen!” Mme Karr
“This fuzziness is driving me CRAZY!” Mrs. Myers
“You guys all have the Wednesday slump!” “It’s Tuesday.” “Oh, Lord.” Mrs. Robins
“It’s a good thing we have gravity.” Mr. Percival
“My little love turd” Mme Karr
“I can’t even draw a dot right!” Mr. Percival
“There’s a difference between being a bitch and being bitchy.” Dr. Rice
“I’m crazy so don’t worry.” Dr. Schleifer
“Would you all stop digressing?” Dr. Schleifer
“Because of our lousy atmosphere...” Mr. Percival
“Well that’s only slightly better than awful” Mr. Percival
“You’re evil!” Allie “Alors, Lucie est Lucifer” Mme Karr
“Maybe he has a kick on you.” Mme Karr
“His wand monders.” Dr. Schleifer
“When Lear goes crazy, he starts to make more sense” Dr. Schleifer
“[Schleifer] is a not-good person to talk to.” Mrs. Myers
“It’s hard to get blood from a turnip.” Mrs. Robins
“John Dunne is the chief of the medical physical.” Dr. Schleifer
“If they want to read Beloved in sixth grade, what do you want to stop them, you nazi?” Dr. Schleifer
“There is no frigate like a boat” Colin “Watch your language” Dr. Schleifer
“The next test that’s going to hit you right in your hoo-hah...” Mrs. Myers
“You can’t figure out what it means.” Dr. Schleifer
“Megan, do you want to share your cockroach story?” Dr. Schleifer
“Dr. Schleifer, if you’re a vegan, are you allowed to eat insects?” Brian “If they’re killed humanely” Dr. Schleifer
“[Drinking bleach]’ll give you a heck of a buzz” Mme Karr
“There’s an L on my forehead, it stands for Liberal, I’m sorry...” Mrs. Salzman
“Jillian’s our poet meister” Dr. Schleifer
“This is called the Clever Method” Mrs. Myers
“Pine View- The White Continent” Dr. Schleifer
“If Paris Hilton was on this painting, they’d probably think she was from Hell- In fact, they might think she was-” Dr. Schleifer “Starving?” Colin Walker “Yeah, or diseased!” Dr. Schleifer
“If you had a feminist teacher, you’d be skewered to the wall!” Dr. Schleifer
“Scudder, if you get any whiter, you’re going to blend in with this board.” Mrs. Myers
“A little bit of dissa, a little bit of data.” Mr. Percival
“Dumb people like that need to die. Mrs. Myers
“I’m so healthy- Look at me- I could kill you!” Mrs. Myers
“A cup of yogurt has more culture than you guys!” Mrs. Myers
“I’m gonna Clorox the hell outta you.” Mrs. Myers
“You seem to want to defend every chauvinist that comes along” Dr. Schleifer
“That’s the 64 dollar question!” Mr. Percival
“This is only the aggravating words” Mme Karr
“I like them live, I like them dying, I like them wet, I like them drying” Dr. Schleifer
“How long is a God-year?” Dr. Schleifer
“If you jump off a cliff, you make a splashing, smashing thingy on the ground.” Mrs. Myers
“Yeah, I’m listening- What?” Dr. Schleifer
“The man I suppose has to die.” Mrs. Salzman
“Take your meds tomorrow.” Dr. Schleifer
“Richard Wilbur wrote a poem while he was still alive” Dr. Schleifer
“It’s a real whore- qui fait de la trottoir” Mme Karr
“The fairies are going to be men with chains and tattoos” Dr. Schleifer
“Your desk is mostly space. Your head....” Mr. Percival
“Vous êtes tous comme un bande d’idiots!” Mme Karr
“China is gonna get us!” Mme Karr
“Saluting is not required.” Mrs. Janoff
“Well they were women, they’re always right.” Dr. Schleifer
“They think I’m a pariah.” Dr. Schleifer “You ARE a pariah” Colin Walker
“I’m a little slow.” Mme Karr
“Did you know they bred a whale and a dolphin?” Mrs. Salzman “Yeah- it’s called a wholfin!” Chris Teisi
“They had a virus over there (Africa)...” Janna Levitt “Called AIDS!” Mrs. Salzman