Puns

To entertain the clever minds of my favorite word lovers....

Every calendar's days are numbered.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Without irony, the world would be wrinkly. ~ Charm Tang
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage,
Burglarize: What a crook sees with,
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty: How golfers create divots.
Paradox: Two physicians
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.
Subdued . like a guy, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man!
I just read about a woman who was sentenced to five years in a federal prison. She did not menstruate during her entire time there. She did however, have a period at the end of her sentence.
If you love someone who has schizophrenia, you're not alone."
I hate saying goodbye at airports. It just seems so terminal.
"I dropped the toothpaste”, said Tom, crestfallenly
"Witches’ parking only; all others will be toad."
Who won the human race? ~ Crystal Tang
I wonder if ghosts ever have hidden motives.... because if they did it'd be kind of useless since you can see right through them.... ~ Crystal Tang
Actually, it was only 2/3 of a pun - PU ~ Mr. Percival
In abattoirs (slaughterhouses), the slay bells are ringing ~ (Wishes to remain anonymous)
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of de feet.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
A good pun is its own reword.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.