Welcome to the News, this is Helen Back on Channel 4,
Top story this morning is imported rum,
It was found in a case that washed up on shore,
It took ten strong men to break open the drum.
We speak with Adam Zapple for details on the story.
"Good Morning Helen and this is the case,
that ten drunk men have shown up today.
And no rum to be seen, it's such a waste.
Although the men suggested the rum was okay."
"Back to you Helen." Also today, there was found,
ten thousand fish appears to have drowned,
and a hundred birds fell from the sky,
It seems that they have forgotten how to fly.
Another story just in, an accident at the zoo.
What happened? You'll have to find out at two.
Welcome, this is Helen Back at Two,
There seems to be some commotion at the zoo.
Ten lions and three snakes have taken flight.
They're eating people left and right.
Speaking of left and right what's happening in politics now?
All the congressmen in DC have turned into cows.
But nobody's noticed, they still smell the same.
And their budgets are still fatty and their proposals still lame.
And what of the people in the senate?
In the big expensive building made of granite
They're passing pork laws, and appointing more people.
And outlawing everything and writing in legalspeak.
The Government: What an institution!
It doesn't even need to follow its own Constitution.
Hello and this is Helen, for the Six O Clock News.
This just in: aliens with tattoos.
They say 'take me to your leader'
Things get weirder and weirder.
And there's a new story about a new theory
It's supposed to solve all of life's problems,
with one simple solution- they solved it today.
We'll speak with Lance Lot who's on the scene.
"As you can see, the commotion is high,
there's so many people who want to see,
the Answer to Everything, and so do I.
Ah! See now, they're about to speak!-"
Oh, sorry. we lost the feed. That's too bad.
Tune in at 9, there's more news to be had.
This is Helen Back and I have tragedy to report.
There has been an asteroid hit at the Disneyland Resort.
Epcot exploded and the kiddies are crying
cars are melting and the people are dying.
Mount Saint Helens blew up and the government shut down.
China declared war and vaporized a town.
The Internet crashed and Bill Gates was blamed.
Too late, no return this isn't a game.
Car crash, plane crash, ships sink, trains crash.
Celebrities mistaken for the kitchen trash,
Tragedy, travesty, hypocrisy, calamity!
Television blamed for excess profanity.
See the story about the talking hen.
Want more details? More at ten.
- Allison Nixon, November 14, 2004